HOW TO REVIVE YOUR COMMITMENT & CREATE A NEW MONOGAMY AGREEMENT WITH YOUR PARTNER

By Dr. Tammy Nelson

The Vows We Make:  

When we make an explicit vow to be monogamous, we fully intend to keep it, even though many of us don’t. The Implicit Monogamy Agreement or understanding between a couple is different from the spoken, Explicit Monogamy Agreement and may never be discussed at all.

The trick is to establish and continually revisit rules so that they’re confining enough to keep a couple in a monogamous relationship--according to their own terms--but loose enough to encourage growth and exploration for their partnership and for each person individually.

In every case, it is important to understand that just as we develop as people, marriage and committed partnerships grow and develop through stages.

As a marriage or partnership grows, the agreements change, either implicitly or through passive agreements. It is healthier and less prone to misunderstandings and betrayal to make these changes more explicit and to have discussions on a regular basis about what each partner wants in their monogamy.

 We renew our license to drive a car every couple of years, why not renew our agreement to be with our partner?

The 36 Must Ask Questions to Help Define Your Monogamy Agreement

The following questions are based on the continuum of monogamy and will help you create your new agreement. Take your time and either write down the answers to the following question or discuss in real time with your partner.

1.    How often do we talk about our relationship every day? Every night? Once a week?

2.    How many times a week should we have sex? How many times per month?

3.    Do we always sleep in the same bed? Separate beds? Separate rooms?

4.    Do we watch pornography together? If so, how often? Who picks?

5.    What if I desire a type of sex that I we have never discussed?

Sign Up Here to receive the rest of the New Monogamy Agreement Questions!

Love,

Dr. Tammy

Adapted from the book The New Monogamy; Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, by Dr. Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.

ADVICE FROM DR. TAMMY on how to build a therapy practice:

Get on the Airwaves

I've been a therapist for over thirty years and know what it feels like to want to take on new projects to shake things up. I’ve been a speaker, a workshop presenter, and a supervisor. I’ve also written blogs as well as popular columns, and trained hundreds of therapists during this time. I’m also the author of five books. My sixth is coming out early next year.

My latest project, however, is reaching more people and making a bigger difference than I ever could’ve expected. Like many people these days, I have a conversational-style podcast—The Trouble with Sex—where I interview experts, authors, speakers, researchers, and regular folks. For the latest generation of listeners, a podcast is a great way to connect with and receive wisdom from people in our field. Previously, if people wanted advice on their sex or relationship issues, they had to buy a book or download a TED talk. But now, many thousands of people looking for advice and entertainment tune in to podcasts daily. Personally, I’ve learned so much and have had a lot of fun interviewing people in the fields of psychotherapy, sex therapy, and science.

If you’re anxious to try something new, this is my advice: Find a podcast you like. Contact the host. Tell them what you’re good at, what you excel at, and what you’re an expert at providing for your clients. Tell them you’re a big fan and would love to be on their podcast as a guest. Most hosts keep a list of potential guests and would be thrilled to have you on their show.

When you do get an interview, keep it light, keep your answers to questions short and breezy, and get personal, if possible. Remember, a podcast is informational but it’s also entertainment for the listener, who has over 850,000 active podcasts and 30 million episodes to choose from.

Today, more than half of all people in the U.S. over the age of 12 listen to podcasts. If you want to build your practice, think about how to connect with shows you like that are popular with people you’re hoping to reach. After you’ve been on a few, you might decide to start your own.

Tammy Nelson, PhD

Los Angeles, CA